The Power of First Response

The Power of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

You may feel the “right” to strike back at someone verbally, especially when they’ve “started it!”. But do you realize that the power rest with you as the responder as to where the conflict goes from there.

As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Jesus used the Principle of First Response.

Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their confrontations. Their intention was to trap Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict was held by Jesus, the responder! (Luke 20:19-26).

Think about that for a moment.

Listening is Louder Than A Lecture.

I need to be a better listener.

And I don’t think I’m alone.

Not listening seems to be an epidemic and growing.

Is there any way to reverse this?

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…” –  James 1:19

Simple enough. But don’t we all need some serious practice?

Is it possible our smart phones [and the attentiveness we give to them during conversation with others] may have made us stupid in the ways they distract us from truly listening to others?

How often during a conversation do we find ourselves thinking about what we’re going to say next, rather than actually listening to what the other person is really saying?

One of the simplest ways we can all practice listening better is to offer our undivided attention and take our thoughts off ourselves.

Here are some of the ways I’m trying to practice listening:

As a Pastor.

I have the privilege of people sharing with me what’s going on in their lives. I want to have energy and time to really listen to them so that when they’ve shared a part of their lives with me, they know at least one other person has some inkling of what they’re feeling and thinking.

As a Husband.

Really listening is an intimate activity. The more you listen, the more you open your hearts to one another. Sadly, the #1 complaint of wives who divorce their husbands is: They don’t listen.

I’m learning to understand that Debbie connects by talking—it says to her I care. And it’s listening to more than just her words. If I’m really listening well I also hear her heart—which more clearly speaks to me her needs and fears and hopes and hurts.

As a Parent.

To my daughters, sometimes the biggest problem with communication with me is that I’m so busy talking, I don’t really listen. They need to have confidence that when I don’t understand something they’ve done, that I’m willing to listen first before I jump in and lecture or draw conclusions.

I’m learning that: “Listening is louder than a lecture!”

I am now quicker to listen first, and then share my heart and perspective. And my listening first, has actually opened up communication in ways that lecturing first, never could.

As a Christian.

Listening is in short supply in the world today: people aren’t used to being listened to. Our inability to listen well is just one of many ways in which we fail to demonstrate love toward others.

And I’d argue that there’s a definite connection between: how well we’re listened to and how much we feel loved. Listening is an authentic way of putting love into action for others to experience the love of Christ. I love how Eugene Peterson puts it:

“The question I put to myself is not “how many people have you spoken to about Christ this week? But how many people have you listened to in Christ this week?”

The Voice of Love

I recently wrote about our voice in prayer.

But often we need to be reminded that prayer is as much about listening as it is about voicing our hearts to God.

I read this piece from Henri Nouwen that I thought I should post as a complimentary part of the Anatomy of Prayer, which you can read here.

The art of meaningful prayer can never really be formulated or dissected. And yet we can always be learners of the ways in which the practice of prayer can be applied to our lives.

Henri’s thoughts here encourage us all to be more attentive to God’s voice in our daily lives as we learn to pray.

THE STILL, SMALL VOICE OF LOVE.

Many voices ask for our attention.

There is a voice that says, “Prove that you are a good person.” Another voice says, “You’d better be ashamed of yourself. There also is a voice that says, “Nobody really cares about you,” and one that says, “Be sure to become successful, popular, and powerful.”

But underneath all these often very noisy voices is a still, small voice that says, “You are my Beloved, my favor rests on you.” That’s the voice we need most of all to hear.

To hear that voice, however, requires special effort; it requires solitude, silence, and a strong determination to listen. That’s what prayer is. It is listening to the voice that calls us “my Beloved.”

MLK: In The Name Of Love

Martin Luther King Jr. makes my top ten list of most inspiring people of all time.

I never bore of reading or studying everything I can about his life and legacy. It always seems to stir a deeper longing in me to consider every human being as my brother and sister.

In honor of MLK today, I’ve compiled in this post, his voice and thoughts which have influenced me the most over the years.

Thanks MLK for making me a better man and the world a better place!

The journey of equality lives on…

” Early morning, April 4th, shot rings out in the Memphis sky. Free at last, they took your life, but they could not take your pride.” In The Name Of Love - U2

The Voice of MLK Jr.

“A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.”

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.”

“At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a  friend.”

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’ “

“Means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek; an ‘eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind.”

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”

“Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.”

“Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.”

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”

“We must use time creatively.”

The Anatomy of Prayer

“HELP” and “THANKS” are our most basic prayers.

We find ourselves in need and cry out for HELP to God. We discover ourselves immensely blessed and cry out in THANKS to God.

Other essential parts in the anatomy of prayer are that of absolute HONESTY and SURRENDER.

Authentic prayer to God is accompanied with a giving of ourselves wholly and entirely to Him.

And allowing prayer to influence our thoughts, attitudes, actions, relationships, vocations, hopes, disappointments, etc.

A prayer of HONESTY and SURRENDER might go like this…

“Lord, is there anything in me that is not according to Your will, that has not been ordered by You, or that is not entirely given up to You?”

These construct for me a basic anatomy of prayer: Help, Thanks, and absolute Honesty and Surrender. And I think Jesus teaches us to pray very much like this in Matthew 6…

“Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.

The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They’re full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don’t fall for that nonsense.

This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:

Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what’s best— as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You’re in charge!
You can do anything you want!”

Attractiveness Improvement Plan

Attractiveness.

What makes someone attractive?

When our culture thinks about it, what comes to mind?

When you think about your own, where do you start?

Is it possible that our concepts of attractiveness are too often superficial and centered primarily on external things?

If you’re not sure, do a google search of the word attractive–actually, don’t do that, just take my word for it!

To be clear: external beauty is not bad or sinful in and of itself; God did give us eyes to enjoy it–which I for one am grateful that he did. However, the external only reveals a portion of what attractiveness holds in its entirety.

What about the “beauty of holiness” and character? Perhaps a more holistic approach to attractiveness would be a great improvement plan for all of us!

Genuine Christian character might just be one of the most attractive things you can see in people.

When you encounter genuine love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—you don’t ask yourself whether or not these are good things—you simply are attracted to them and wish there were more attractive people like that around!

The Life Giving Words Of: “I’m Sorry”

Compromise is not a “dirty” word.

You’d get the impression it is though by how often we choose not to apply it.

It seems too often our relationships reflect more of the competitive cultural spirit of “win and dominate” than they do the spirit of harmony found in compromise where “everyone wins!”

I believe that if more of us, would die to having to be right and winning every argument all the time, we’d all come alive in ways that would open a greater experience of fulfillment in all our relationships! We might actually all feel better too…

“Choosing to cooperate with others in meaningful ways, activates an area of the brain rich in dopamine, the chemical that produces the pleasurable sensation activated by certain drugs and other addictive behaviors.”

Brain Scientists– Emory University Research.

I guess practicing compromise can actually be really good for us!

To compromise. To apologize. To say “I’m sorry.” Is the beginning of something beautiful. Many find saying, “I’m sorry,” too difficult, but they can be two of the most life-giving words you’ll ever learn. So perhaps we need practice saying them more often.

Cause when we apologize, we’re dying to having to be right. And, would you agree, when people refuse to die or insist on being right, it’s not very life giving at all? When you know your wrong, quit being so stubborn and just ADMIT IT!

Say something like, “You know, I do think I’m to blame here. I’m sorry for what I said, or how I said it, and I’m sorry I hurt you. What can I do to help and make up for it?”

I understand it may seem overly simplistic for our relational complexities, but it’s really not! And if you’re just wired to be competitive and need a relationally healthy way to practice it, try this:

Instead of HOLDING OUT to win the argument…see who can APOLOGIZE THE FASTEST. And, the one who does first…WINS THE ARGUMENT!

Reconciliation

Life is all about learning to love and rightly relate to others.

We should value relationships and make every effort to maintain them instead of so easily discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt or a conflict.

Relationships are always worth restoring!

As we all reflect on the year ending and set goals for the new, I pray we’ll also consider the idea of reconciling relationships wherever applicable.

Divisions are numerous in friendships, families, communities, cities, countries, and continents. And while the largest task of reconciliation of the world is Christ’s work [nations and people to God], there is also work for each of us to do in reconciliation with one another.

“…God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation…was reconciling the world to himself in Christ…We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.” 2 Corinthians 5:17-20

God makes his appeal through us?

How do we witness to Christ in the world? In a world so hungry for healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, and most of all unconditional love; our sacred task is to reveal these truths in the reality of our everyday lives.

We proclaim the living Christ every time we engage in reconciliation of any kind.

Part of the new creation we receive in Christ is new hearts and new spirits to live out reconciliation in our own lives with others.

I can’t think of a better goal for the new year than to pursue reconciliation where it’s needed. In fact, I believe God’s desire would be that reconciliation would be atop all of our list of goals and resolutions for a new year.

What could possibly be more important?

The following excerpts are from writings of Henri Nouwen to encourage and inspire reconciliation:

God’s Imagination

“So much of our energy, time, and money goes into maintaining distance from one another. Many if not most of the resources of the world are used to defend ourselves against each other, to maintain or increase our power, and to safeguard our own privileged position.”

“Imagine all that effort being put in the service of peace and reconciliation! Would there be any poverty? Would there be crimes and wars? Just imagine that there was no longer fear among people, no longer any rivalry, hostility, bitterness, or revenge. Just imagine all the people on this planet holding hands and forming one large circle of love. We say, ‘I can’t imagine.’ But God says, ‘That’s what I imagine, a whole world not only created but also living in my image.”

A Nonjudgmental Presence

“Essential to the work of reconciliation is a nonjudgmental presence. We are not sent to the world to judge, to condemn, to evaluate, to classify, or to label. When we walk around as if we have to make up our mind about people and tell them what is wrong with them and how they should change, we will only create more division. Jesus says it clearly: ‘Be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate. Do not judge; … do not condemn; … forgive’ (Luke 6:36-37).”

“In a world that constantly asks us to make up our minds about other people, a nonjudgmental presence seems nearly impossible. But it is one of the most beautiful fruits of a deep spiritual life and will be easily recognized by those who long for reconciliation.”

Christmas Night Commentary

This is fascinating commentary from, Frederick Buechner [beekner], writing about Christ being born as a child:

“…those who believe in God can never in a way be sure of him again. Once they have seen him in a stable, they can never be sure to where he’ll appear, to what lengths he will go, or to what ludicrous depths of self-humiliation he will descend in his passionate pursuit to reclaim human kind.”

If God will go to these depths to reclaim his dream for humanity, then he’d do anything!

“If the holiness and this kind of power and majesty of God were present in this least auspicious of all events, then there is no place or time so lowly or earth bound, but that holiness can be present there too.”

“…and this means that we are never safe and there is no place we can hide from God, no place we are safe from his power to break into and recreate the human heart. Because, it is just where God seems most helpless that he is most strong, and it’s just where we least expect him that he comes most fully.”

This is the story of a God who never gives up on us! And every human being can find God present where they might least expect Him.

This God, our God, is the God of unending surprise!

The Best Dressed Wear Joy

Doesn’t everyone like to look their best? Why is that?

Perhaps its because when we look our best we often feel our best? Like it or not, there is an obvious connection with what we wear and how we feel.

I’ll save the judgement of that assertion for another day. Nevertheless, it is the reality of our culture and true for many: what we wear externally can impact us internally. If that’s true, then couldn’t the opposite be true as well: what we “wear” internally impacts us externally?

The external experience of joy may actually begin with the internal choice to choose it!

Conventional thinking is that how we feel dictates how we act. This makes us slaves to our emotions and guarantees a life that is often out of control. But the truth is precisely the opposite.

When we discipline ourselves to act in certain ways, even when we don’t feel like it, those actions can create or even change the emotion that we feel.

For example, when I treat people lovingly, I slowly begin to care for them, even if I didn’t much at first.

Or, think about smiling, you may not feel like smiling, but if you choose to smile, the transformation is almost immediate.

We can’t always wait around for the right emotions to come flooding our way. But one of the greatest secrets of life is that you can manage your emotions by controlling your actions.

What makes us human is precisely the freedom of choice we have: to CHOOSE JOY every day regardless of our emotions or circumstances.

I love what the writer of one Psalm says:

“ God…You Clothe me with Joy” -Ps. 30:11

The best dressed wear joy. It’s one of the most attractive pieces of anyone’s wardrobe. And God’s given us that joy to be clothed in every day.

But it’s our CHOICE whether or not we choose to wear it.